The Apple Store in Vienna A prison in Styria, Austria.

If you look at these figures comparing crime in Austria and crime in the U.S. you’ll notice something odd: although the U.S. has higher crime rates in virtually every category (murder, forcible rape, robbery, aggravated assault, etc…) the Austrians triumph in one category: burglary. But why? Why is the rate of burglaries in Austria a whopping 40% higher than in the U.S.? I’ll tell you why: because Austrian minimum security prisons are fucking awesome! If you’re in Austria, and have a working brain, you should be trying to get into one right now!

austrian-cell.jpg Commit the right crime, and this could be your cell!

Hell, I live just a few kilometers from the border and I’m seriously considering heading over there this weekend and doing some serious damage. What’s the worst that can happen? Either I come back with a new kick-ass flat-screen television or they send me to some place like the Justice Center Leoben and I get a few months of all-inclusive paid vacation. It’s win-win!

ping-pong.jpg Fun games of ping-pong help show you the error of your ways.

indoor-soccer.jpg Indoor soccer teaches you that what you did was wrong because it’s like against society.

gyms.jpg No costly, monthly membership fees for you at this glorious gym! Feel the burn! Rrrrr!

conjugal.jpg Aw, hell yeah!

You see? What kind of five-star prison wouldn’t have a love shack, baby? And afterwards, keep in mind that there’s no time for fighting or arguing or anything. Your partner goes home and you retire to your balcony to rest and reflect on your long day of ping-ponging and ding-donging.

reflect.jpg Life can be cruel to people who aren’t in Austrian prisons.

Prison vs Work 
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, 
this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON                                   @ WORK

You spend the majority                 you spend the majority of your time
of your time in a 10X10 cell           in an 6X6 cubicle /office
@ PRISON                                   @ WORK  
You get three meals a day             you get a break for one meal and
fully paid for                                 you have to pay for it
@ PRISON                                  @ WORK
You get time off for good               you get more work for
behaviour                                     good behaviour

                                             @ WORK 

The guard locks and unlocks          you must often carry a security card
all the doors for you                      and open all the doors for yourself
@ PRISON                                  @ WORK  
You can watch TV and                    you could get fired for watching
play games                                   TV and playing games
@ PRISON                                   @ WORK
You get your own toilet                   you have to share the toilet with
some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON                                   @ WORK  
They allow your family                   you aren’t even supposed to speak
and friends to visit                         to your family
@ PRISON                                    @ WORK  
All expenses are paid by the            you get to pay all your expenses to go
taxpayers with no work required      to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON                                     @ WORK  
You spend most of your life              you spend most of your time wanting
inside bars wanting to get out          to get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON                                                   @ WORK
You must deal with sadistic              They are called managers