You read that correctly- In an act of random idiocy, it would appear that film NBA star Shaquille O’Neal tied the knot this passed weekend in an eloped wedding with F-list celebrity, Nicole “Hoopz” Alexander (Media Takeout). You might remember Nicole from our last article about the couple, back when the interweb lawled so hard at this picture of them together that is almost exploded (it did pee a little).

For whatever reason (mainly absurdity), this is apparently “news” and due to the insane number of search queries we’ve gotten today alone about the story, we thought we’d put in our 2 cents as well- Because if this is true, then Shaq done fucked his whole life up. You can’t marry an F-lister without at least slightly suspecting that she might be a gold digger (‘cuz she ain’t messin’ with no broke… How does that song go again?). Keep in mind that this woman once professed her love to Flavor Fucking Flavand She won the first ever I Love Money VH1 “celebrity” game show/reality TV show! How sincere could her word on anything concerning money be?

“If you ain’t no chump, holla we want pre-nup!” -Kany West

If anybody is to blame for this, it’s David Stern and the gatdamn never-ending NBA lockout. Not only to blame for giving Shaq too much free time to do run around marrying little people, but also for leaving such a terrible void in basketball related media coverage, that it eventually allowed something stupid like this to become news. Again I say- A “fuck you” to David Stern.